Things I Wish Someone Told Me As A Young Bride
Writer: Nadhirah Badardin
I was 23 when I got married. It was a rather young age and trust me, I’ve received my fair share of shit from people who were judging me for being married at 23. Mostly because they felt like I basically have no life goals because I had put the decision of getting married before having a career established.
The thing is, my husband and I were together for 3 years before we decided to get married. In 3 years, we’ve fought, travelled and had a general idea of our likes and dislikes. So, we thought, “Hey, we already know all these things about each other and choose to put up with it anyhow. How hard can this marriage thing be?”
Plus, our society’s SUPER obsessed with weddings and “romance” so naturally, my family members were really excited and assured me that, “You’ll get the hang of marriage, he’s a great guy.” They were right about the “he’s a great guy” thing. Not so much about marriage.
Here’s what I wish they had told me:
1. Marriage isn’t a magical solution to anything
Finding “the one” who will make you feel “whole” is a wildly romantic concept that sells movies, books, wedding rings and floral arrangements. But if there’s anything I’ve learned over the years (and Will Smith) is that a healthy marriage depends on the relationship you have with yourself. You can’t expect someone to “complete” you or “fix” you if you can’t figure out how to do that on your own. But you can count on them to cheer you on while you’re on your pursuit of happiness. Just remember to cheer them on when they’re on theirs.
My wife and I hit an important marriage milestone.
We had a fight entirely in fridge magnets. pic.twitter.com/sUvXbe2Fnn
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 4, 2015
2. You won’t always like each other, and that’s okay
There will be those days where you can’t wait to jump each other’s bones. But there will also be a lot of days where you’d scream and cuss when they leave dirty socks/underwear/clothes/mugs/anything lying around the house. This is completely normal. It really do be like that sometimes when you spend 24/7 living and breathing in the same space as another human being.
3. Like the marriage, you’ll need to work on the sex too
I’ll level with you – the sex WILL get boring. You can’t to do the same things over and over again for years and expect to feel any different. Like your relationship, you’re going to have to discuss each other’s wants and needs when it comes to sex. There’s going to be a lot of giving, but there will also be a lot of taking. That’s always fun.
4. You will also be married to their families
Which is great if you like hanging out with your new in-laws. But that’s not always the case for a lot of couples. Sure, there are perks for being the daughter/son in law of their dreams, but you can’t always be everyone’s cup of tea and there will be moments where they aren’t yours either. This is fine as long as you have understanding partners who recognise your needs (as you would them, I hope) and know when to step in when necessary.
5. There will be baby pressure – LOTS OF IT.
And when you do have that baby, they’ll pressure you into giving that baby a sibling. And if you’re really just not into having any babies (currently or ever), be prepared to receive a ton of grief about this. You could probably try convincing them that having children is really not in the books for the both of you, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from being married and child-less for 4 years is that people are generally intrusive beings and you’re better off laughing their questions off than changing their minds.
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
6. You can be right all the time, or you can be married. But you can’t be both.
It’s easy to argue over every little thing that drives you crazy because you want to be right. But nobody wants to deal with 3-days of not speaking to each other over some stupid argument like “Why do you always leave your dirty socks piled up in that corner?” If it’s something that you can let go, save your energy and let that shit go.
7. It’s still a lot of fun, though.
Okay so I know I’ve been painting this whole marriage picture as monotonous and just overall a pain in the ass. But I’ll let you in on a little secret; marriage can be really fun. It’s not the easiest or on some days, the best, but it’s also about the little things that happen daily like having weird inside jokes and relishing in habits that only the two of you would understand – just the kind of things that will make you both take a step back and think “I think I can deal with doing this forever”.